Difficult moments

I understand fully that given that nature of open adoption things are not going to always be easy, but after two weeks of having Sam with us I have to say the most difficult moment was when my two and a half year old cried himself to sleep because he just wanted his ‘biggest brother’ to tuck him in.  Having Sam go home this time was inexplicably hard on all of us.  Part of it might have been that at two and five Aiden and (more so) Logan are now at a point where they are starting to understand their level of connection to Sam.  Their questions are getting more and more difficult.  I almost broke down when Logan asked me with fear and befuddlement, “Would you ever give me up for adoption?” But that is just part of it.  I think it seemed particularly hard this time because this is the first time I am sending him since his father died.   

Today is Sam's birthday, he is 13 now.  It both breaks my heart and makes it sing.  I am so proud of him and I cannot believe that he is as old as he is.  I see so much of him in Logan and Aiden, so much of myself. 

You never give a child up for adoption expecting to have the adoptive parent die

You never give a child up for adoption expecting to have the adoptive parent die.  The last few months I have spent hours ruminating about this, about Steve dying and how it will impact Sam's life and the lives of others.  I have cried more tears for Sam and his family than I can relay but more importantly, I cried tears for Steve.  Steve was a good man and my friend.  I am very thankful for him.  This is what I said at his funeral:

I first met Steve when I was about four months pregnant with Sam. Jeff and I had been interviewing couples for a few weeks and had not met any that we liked. Most of the meetings with perspective parents were stiff and formal. No one seemed just right.
I was searching for someone who wanted an open relationship beyond once a year letters and meeting the child when they turned 18. When we met Steve and Diana, they handed us a photo album. The bulk of the album, to be quite frank, was a little boring. It contained pictures of Steve and Diana growing up and in their young adult years. Eventually, we got to the back of the album. There we found pictures of Thomas, who was almost four at the time, with his birth parents and his extended birth family. Seeing this proof that open adoption could work in that photo album was just a taste of what was to come.
To me, open adoption promises consistent contact and a regular knowledge about each other. What I was offered was much more. Steve and Diana embraced me and offered me a place in their family and their hearts. And while there are many lovely things I could say about Steve today the one thing I want to make clear is this: Steve had a place in my heart too and I shall forever be indebted to him for raising my son.

Kids, the things they do

I always tell people that my life both ended and began with children.  I am the mother of two boys (aside from Sam), Logan who is four and Aiden who is18 months.  Before the boys, my husband and I lead a life of leisure filled with ski vacations and road trips galore.  We had a busy social calendar that kept us out late at night and always on the go.  I ran a retirement day program for adults with developmental disabilities and found this job immensely satisfying.  Despite this, after Aiden was born I resigned to stay at home with the boys during the day and work nights.  While having children might have ended my life of recreation filled vacations and late nights it enabled me to experience a deeper love for life through my children.  It allowed me to follow the dream of going back to school and it offered me the opportunity to experience joy on an entirely new level.  While my life might have been good before, it is wonderful now.  

And the first assignement is due

School started this week and I'm proud to say that while the first assignement was due last night at midnight I had it in by 10:07. Considering Logan is walking, my brother just moved in, and we spent the last three days trying to get the rental fixed up I'm doing well.

Houdini

Houdini. He was a escape artist, right? Sometimes I wish I was too.

Cults and such

Between Amberlee's Nate and Uncle Jim there is a lot of cult stuff going on. I'm not sure whose side story is more interesting: the one who lived in the cult as a child and ended up mostly almost all the way normal or the one who grew up in a relatively normal home as a child and now is in the cult like religion.

Either way, I want to know more about both of their inner-workings and about both of them but am not sure where to start. Jim is a bit tight-lipped about his church knowing that Grandma disapproves and Nate will only talk about it after a few drinks and then a few more. I just don't have the energy to get the information but still crave the info on the crazies.

The Basement, for reals ya alls

It is dry. It has been raining for 2 days and the basement is dry.

Going Back to School

I'm gonna do it. Seriously.

Things to think about

1000's of things to think about but this one comes up the most.

Why is it so hard to have a conversation with you?

Why can't I tell you little things like, please help me. Please change this.

A box of wine and CSI Miami

The power of the box of wine and CSI Miami combined is overwhelming. It's like mixing peanut butter and chocolate. Mmmmmm

This Old Dog

The last time this came up was right before we go married. Nick told me that he would not marry me unless I either learned to love to ski. For months this was him mantra and I almost thought he was kidding (it just seemed so ridiculous) but let me tell you, this 31 year old dog learned a new trick.
I'm not black diamond but I'm a solid blue. I can ski from the top of the mountain down. After 5 days in Tahoe I feel like a pro. My dreams are filled with ski moves, much like the feeling that you get after being at the water park for the day. You know how after leaving the park you still feel like you are in the wave pool? It has been like that with me and skiing- I feel shift of the snow under my boots when I close my eyes. I think after the next ski trip I'll be a pro.

My loss

Last night I would have bet a billion dollars about it and I would have lost.

All those good parents

I'm starting to think that this whole parenting thing is much harder than my friends and family have made it out to be. I thought that everything would be easier but I find myself grappling for a bit of balance. It's like I'm walking on a tightrope and I have no understanding of how to do it. I have no privacy, no knowledge of where Logan starts and I end. I have time to myself almost never- now not even the bathroom is a place of refuge. I need to figure out how to have time to myself and feel as if I have enough time for my family too, not even to mention my friends. I want so badly to be a stay at home mom these days because there simply is no time. I use to spend hours reading to drinking beer at the Replay or walking the dogs and now I'm lucky if I can find time to read my email. I'm such a pain because I want it both ways. I want to be with Logan, I want date nights with Nick and I want my own time too. I guess most of all I want to figure out how all those moms do it. How to they have their own life and be good parents too?

Make believe

Upstairs they sing a song about nothing, made up as they go along, just sounds and make believe words and I could swear that I know them all.

adoption birth and adoption again

adoption


birth


adoption again



Sam came first. He was adopted at birth to a loving family and i was lucky enough to keep him in my life a bit. A tiny bit, a few weekends a month bit, but still a bit. My son who was adopted. My son who is mine but is someone else's too.



Logan came second. He is mine for keeps and ever. My son.



The next kid, still unknown to me will be adopted. He will be the third and final son, the completion of the circle. He will start out in someone else and end up at my side. He will be my son, but he will be someone else's too.

Logan the Great

Tonight Nick and I decided that we need to get really into RC airplanes and model airplanes. As we were driving out to our friends house on Clinton Lake we passed by the RC airplane flying park and there was the big huge plane flying. It made me think of all the rockets I built growing up and how much pleasure I got out of them. I think that I actually got more pleasure out of making them with family, the actual art of building it with parents and siblings at the kitchen table, then the flying of the rockets. So I'd like to issue a challenge, the Logan Airplane/Rocket Challenge. For Logan's first birthday Nick has said that he does not want to have a big party. I, of course, would like to. The compromise is that we are going to have a party but a little one and I think that it needs to be RC Airplane / rocket flying themed. If you can make it the first weekend in May 2009 to Lawrence, Kansas bring a rocket to fly. If you cannot, fly one in your little corner of the world. Just be sure to build it with someone you love at the kitchen table.

This little maricle

It's been such a long time since I've written in this little blog of mine but then again I have had a huge learning curve. Can it be true that Logan is already 2 months old? Can it be true that he can smile independently of bodily functions and purely as a reaction to someone interacting with him? Wow.

Yes, It's true. I made a rad happy baby who smiles and laughs and enjoys everyone . Having him up at Balsam Lake for 10 days was a big challenge and an even bigger joy.

Everyone was wonderful and helpful. The best thing was having Sammy meet Logan: this was absolutely priceless. Having them enjoy each others company was even more priceless. Sam at first seemed a bit confused and befuddled by this little lump of baby. But as the week progressed Logan began to eye Sam with those twinkling blue eyes and pretty soon Sam was as infatuated as the rest of us.

To see the child that I 'gave up' for adoption (such a cold term) interact with Logan with such ease and willingness was beyond my comprehension at times. Sam's desire to connect was evident. However, the only person that could have outdone Logan in coolness in Sam's eyes was Nick. Nick will, I fear, forever be the raddest in Sam's eyes. This makes me a bit jealous but very happy at the same time.

Eureka!

Nick had a huge breakthrough on the waterlogged basement issue. Last night in the rainstorm he went outside to get a break from our never ending stream of visitors. In his hiatus from the house he had a discovery, a eureka moment.

The lot behind us is a school that has a huge hill perfect for sledding in winter or rolling down in summer. Nick noticed that that all the watershed from the school drains down this hill and then into a ditch that runs along the bottom of it. This ditch then empties directly into our yard. Wowza. So he called the school district and they are going to come out and fit it.

Me = Crazy

It might just be the hormones or it could be pure exaustion but I have not been feeling totally myself lately. I've not been particurally kind to Nicholas and everything about everything grates on my nerves these days.