Difficult moments

I understand fully that given that nature of open adoption things are not going to always be easy, but after two weeks of having Sam with us I have to say the most difficult moment was when my two and a half year old cried himself to sleep because he just wanted his ‘biggest brother’ to tuck him in.  Having Sam go home this time was inexplicably hard on all of us.  Part of it might have been that at two and five Aiden and (more so) Logan are now at a point where they are starting to understand their level of connection to Sam.  Their questions are getting more and more difficult.  I almost broke down when Logan asked me with fear and befuddlement, “Would you ever give me up for adoption?” But that is just part of it.  I think it seemed particularly hard this time because this is the first time I am sending him since his father died.   

Today is Sam's birthday, he is 13 now.  It both breaks my heart and makes it sing.  I am so proud of him and I cannot believe that he is as old as he is.  I see so much of him in Logan and Aiden, so much of myself. 

You never give a child up for adoption expecting to have the adoptive parent die

You never give a child up for adoption expecting to have the adoptive parent die.  The last few months I have spent hours ruminating about this, about Steve dying and how it will impact Sam's life and the lives of others.  I have cried more tears for Sam and his family than I can relay but more importantly, I cried tears for Steve.  Steve was a good man and my friend.  I am very thankful for him.  This is what I said at his funeral:

I first met Steve when I was about four months pregnant with Sam. Jeff and I had been interviewing couples for a few weeks and had not met any that we liked. Most of the meetings with perspective parents were stiff and formal. No one seemed just right.
I was searching for someone who wanted an open relationship beyond once a year letters and meeting the child when they turned 18. When we met Steve and Diana, they handed us a photo album. The bulk of the album, to be quite frank, was a little boring. It contained pictures of Steve and Diana growing up and in their young adult years. Eventually, we got to the back of the album. There we found pictures of Thomas, who was almost four at the time, with his birth parents and his extended birth family. Seeing this proof that open adoption could work in that photo album was just a taste of what was to come.
To me, open adoption promises consistent contact and a regular knowledge about each other. What I was offered was much more. Steve and Diana embraced me and offered me a place in their family and their hearts. And while there are many lovely things I could say about Steve today the one thing I want to make clear is this: Steve had a place in my heart too and I shall forever be indebted to him for raising my son.

Kids, the things they do

I always tell people that my life both ended and began with children.  I am the mother of two boys (aside from Sam), Logan who is four and Aiden who is18 months.  Before the boys, my husband and I lead a life of leisure filled with ski vacations and road trips galore.  We had a busy social calendar that kept us out late at night and always on the go.  I ran a retirement day program for adults with developmental disabilities and found this job immensely satisfying.  Despite this, after Aiden was born I resigned to stay at home with the boys during the day and work nights.  While having children might have ended my life of recreation filled vacations and late nights it enabled me to experience a deeper love for life through my children.  It allowed me to follow the dream of going back to school and it offered me the opportunity to experience joy on an entirely new level.  While my life might have been good before, it is wonderful now.  

And the first assignement is due

School started this week and I'm proud to say that while the first assignement was due last night at midnight I had it in by 10:07. Considering Logan is walking, my brother just moved in, and we spent the last three days trying to get the rental fixed up I'm doing well.

Houdini

Houdini. He was a escape artist, right? Sometimes I wish I was too.

Cults and such

Between Amberlee's Nate and Uncle Jim there is a lot of cult stuff going on. I'm not sure whose side story is more interesting: the one who lived in the cult as a child and ended up mostly almost all the way normal or the one who grew up in a relatively normal home as a child and now is in the cult like religion.

Either way, I want to know more about both of their inner-workings and about both of them but am not sure where to start. Jim is a bit tight-lipped about his church knowing that Grandma disapproves and Nate will only talk about it after a few drinks and then a few more. I just don't have the energy to get the information but still crave the info on the crazies.