Difficult moments

I understand fully that given that nature of open adoption things are not going to always be easy, but after two weeks of having Sam with us I have to say the most difficult moment was when my two and a half year old cried himself to sleep because he just wanted his ‘biggest brother’ to tuck him in.  Having Sam go home this time was inexplicably hard on all of us.  Part of it might have been that at two and five Aiden and (more so) Logan are now at a point where they are starting to understand their level of connection to Sam.  Their questions are getting more and more difficult.  I almost broke down when Logan asked me with fear and befuddlement, “Would you ever give me up for adoption?” But that is just part of it.  I think it seemed particularly hard this time because this is the first time I am sending him since his father died.   

Today is Sam's birthday, he is 13 now.  It both breaks my heart and makes it sing.  I am so proud of him and I cannot believe that he is as old as he is.  I see so much of him in Logan and Aiden, so much of myself.